With love

As a Christian, I follow Jesus for his teachings of love and tolerance; it is people like you who make me sick, I hope you die in a lake of fire and get your eyes pecked out by crows, so that you may go to hell and exist for eternity in a lake of fire getting your eyes pecked out by crows.

With love,

Charlie

Pastafarianism, home of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and best new religion so far this century, inspires poetic, idiotic hate mail

Contractually guaranteed to be the only person playing DJ Khaled

FRI 07/28/2006 9:00 PM Buy Tickets Online
TICKETS $5 Or FREE WITH R.S.V.P. TO CHICAGOGOESOFF@SOLIDPR.COM
THE SHOW IS THE RAINBOW | mp3
MY WERE THEY | mp3
VOLTAGE
LIGHT POLLUTION

FEATURING:
DJ BIG BLACKHAWK
DJ MILES RAYMER
DJ JOHN DUGAN


I'm playing records at this pre-Pitchfork thang-thang on Friday. Come out. I will play rap music at you. I will play it at you hardcore.
RSVP for guest list.

And make sure you give yourself time to use up the rest of your stash.

The Little White Lie at the Border is a time-honored indie band tour tradition, one that can save you valuable visa-applying time ("We are only traveling through your country between point in our home country and aren't playing any shows here.") and money ("No, we do not have any merchandise for sale; we are only here to record at a studio in your beautiful, freedom-loving land."), but apparently one that is also more likely these days to get you banned from our country for several years.
Are we really working to personally piss off each individual non-American body on the planet, or just to make everyone think we are?

L0u R33d iz teh r0xx0r!!11!!oneone!!

This and several other works of semi-retarded genius are up on fark.com's Recreate your favorite album cover in MS Paint forum.

The best rapper alive

I think the people at Dunkin' Donuts are in on it.

Is there any reason why I've been hearing "Bette Davis Eyes" so much in the past week? Is it some sort of soundtrack-based revival? A virus written by a fantaic Malaysian Kim Carnes fan infecting the computer DJs at Jack FM stations? A vast right-wing conspiracy? Or simply the universe's cosmic machinery grinding out a series of events designed to get me to favorably compare "Bette Davis Eyes" with these dudes? Somebody help me out.

Weirdo wake-up

If your MySpace bulletin board is all "room for rent in Brooklyn" and "hey come see me DJ at some shitty bar" and you're getting bored with that, you might want to sign up to be friends with CSS so you can start your day off with Brazilian ESL insanity like I do. The following was posted under the heading "TORONTO-CURRY-FACE-GOOD-GOOD":

TORONTO
HOW ARE YOU?

Yesterday was like honeymoon for us. You made us very happy.
Let's do it again in a month or so, ok?
Don't forget that night... I mean yesterday.


AND FOR YOU WHO HAVEN'T SEEN US YET.... YOU WILL.

Lalalalala means I-WANT-TO-PUT-CURRY-ALL-OVER-YOUR-FACE-WITH-SUNSCREEN-AND-LICK-IT-LIKE-THERE-IS-NO-TOMORROW-IN-TORONTO-BUT-THERE-IS-WE-WILL-SEE-YOU-IN-OCTOBER!

Paranoid & pretty

Sparks goes in, dumb comes out.

My new favorite Intonation Festival story isn't even about me. It's about my friend Ralph. For the few remaining people in in the world who don't know him, Ralph looks like this:

Kinda shitty photo, I know, but note that he has a kinda freaked-out afro and he is black.

When I saw Ralph in the VIP tent at Intonation, he was doing three of the five main activities he most often engages in: bumming cigarettes, promoting himself, and dressing pretty decent. There was someone with a pro-looking video camera floating around the tent asking I guess anyone with an interesting haircut if they were in one of the bands playing the festival. I was too lazy to try to impersonate one of the 90 Day Men, so I passed. But Ralph is always on his grind, so the camera guy got a long interview about Ralph's band the Jai Alai Savant, which was not actually on the festival bill at all.
The good story, though, happened later when a white girl tweaking on Sparks cornered Ralph in the tent and asked him, "Are you Gnarls Barkley?" Considering the multi-level abso-stupidity and racial WTF-ness of the girl's question, Ralph's sarcastic, "Yeah, I'm Gnarls and Barkley," reply was probably kinder than she deserved, although for the record he does have a pretty tough "sarcastic" voice.
I didn't hear about the story until a couple days later when I ran into him at the bar. "Yeah, fucking Gnarls Barkley," he said. "I mean, I at least kind of understand it when I get 'are you in TV On the Radio?'"