Tuesday, December 27, 2005

It is dark in the woods and sometimes freaky.

I spent X-Mas weekend back at my parents' house, off in the woods in the deep, dirt-road rurality. Stuck without a driver's license I get a little too into Dad's fully-stocked basement bar and a little too into the backwoods paranoia that can creep up on you out there. Without around-the-clock near-daylight conditions like we have in town I am prone to nighttime cigarette breaks that involve partial hallucinations. I have in fact seen a UFO out there, have woken my mom up to tell her that, and have had to convince her that I wasn't on drugs. I err on the side of caution when it comes to these freakouts. Until I'm absolutely sure that the piece of ice over isn't a crouching, attack-ready possum, I'm not going to take my eyes off it. I don't know how many of you have any experience being trapped inside of a building by stalking possum, but it teaches you some respect for a marsupial's potential violence.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

If you want your iTunes to look like mine

Van Morrison "Want A Danish?"
Bloody Hollies "We're So Anxious"
Blood Brothers "Love Rhymes With Hideous Car Wreck"
Death From Above 1979 "Blood On Our Hands (Justice remix)"
David Banner "Certified"
Dennis DJ & MC Cabo "Tire A Camisa"
Kiss Me Deadly "Dance 2"
Mississippi John Hurt "Louis Collins"
Magnolia Electric Co. "Hard To Love A Man"
John Lennon "Bring On The Lucie (Freida People)"
Mannequin Men "Honey, I'm Dead"
Nightmare of You "I Want To Be Buried In Your Backyard"
the Fall "I Can Hear The Grass Grow"
Mean Reds "Minor Threat"
Xiu Xiu "Bog People"
The Robot Ate Me "Angel In The Snow"
Silver Jews "How Can I Love You If You Won't Lie Down?"
Diamond Nights "Dirty Thief"
Immaculate Machine "Broken Ship"
Celebration "Holiday"
Bloc Party "Pioneers (M83 remix)"
Vladimir Horowitz "Etude In C Minor Op. 25 No. 12" by Chopin

Thursday, December 15, 2005

The low-end tech graveyard that we call home.

Despite our plans currently in the works to score a budget-priced widescreen HDTV monitor (the original plan of copping a resonable-sized television that would go on a little rolly-cart having been squashed by the sheer mass of cheap, ridiculous TVs on the market), the technology sitch around Casa Borracho is pretty janky at the moment. JR's iBook took a major shit last week, matching my own iBook's late-summer shit-taking, so we are currently time-sharing a lime-green iBook on loan from Hopper. OS 9.2 in full effect, full-time with the shitty Internet Explorer that is basically like our wireless router broadcasts the internet back to 1985 and we're supposed to blog from there, all discussing how Reagan sucks dick and how in a few years everyone's gonna be wearing Hypercolor sweatshirts. Apple had better release Intel chip PowerBooks before we revert to some Amish-style level of tech around here. I don't want to find myself having a serious debate with JR as to whether zippers are the devil's work.

Monday, December 05, 2005

The Diabolical Clinton Biz

Two of the main points Hillary Clinton made during her couple-a-minutes speech at a Crobar event in honor of her senatorial-not-we-repeat-not-presidential-campaign-she-is-not-running-for-president-seriously-not even-thinking-about-it fund-raiser event at Crobar the other night: the deficit is seriously like WTF, and young people are the future. The remaining point she made is that Chicago is a great city that is great to be in. No mention of the war, and they cleared the protesters away before most members of the press arrived, but my co-workers snagged some pics. The high point of the evening is when Biz Markie induced probably several severe coronary episodes by referring to Hillary over the PA as "Our next president-esident-esident" (complete with Biz-generated faux Yankee stadium reverb effects), then played the intro to "Crazy In Love" as she came out of the secret passage she used to enter the club. The low point was possibly when all members of the press were, immediately after Clinton's speechlet, ordered and, on occasion, shoved out the doors by Secret Service agents. But if you are into being all pissed off at the Man and the Pigs, it was kind of like a secret high point at the same time.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Do not bust that bullshit flavor at me.

We all know how tasty the peanut butter flavor Puffins cereal is, but do not think that just because the peanut butter flavor is the truth that you can go ahead and let them kick the honey rice flavor at you. The shit is heinous and nasty and it will wreck your afternoon, I swear.
Sal Principato from Liquid Liquid's coming to town tomorrow with his new project Electric Skin. You can read my writeup on it in this week's Reader. It's the first time that any Liquid Liquid-related project has hit Chicago, and it should be live. During my research for the article we discovered that Grand Royal's Liquid Liquid reissue is still essentially impossible to find on cd, but due to some weird twist of fate (or some bankruptcy-related inventory process) you can still cop it on lp at Grand Royal Direct. Is it worth twenty bucks to give your record geek bros jealous vinyl-boners? Some people would call it a steal.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

America's media-saturated soul hits the club for the evening.

Every straight man in the club was sitting in the VIP. My friend Jillian was celebrating the first anniversary of her lesbian night at the Funky Buddha with a party that featured live goldfish in plastic cups and an appearance by Amanda Lepore. We sat around drinking some vodka-and-juice thing called X-Rated while attractive women made out on the dance floor to house remixes of Snoop Dogg songs. Amanda Lepore's entrance, somewhere around 1 o'clock was part movie star red carpet and part in-store meet and greet; every club photographer in town swarmed to get her picture, along with the gay club kids trying to get a shot of themselves with a club legend.
If you want to be famous for being famous, you have to be willing to make an effort. Becoming a transsexual with Jayne Mansfield tits and collagen lips too outrageously inflated to be compared to any woman living or dead works, or at least it does for Lepore. On paper, at least, she was at the club to perform. She's got a few clubby tracks that she sings on, and her single "Champagne" is definitely the number one best pop song by a transsexual probably ever. But the real reason she was there was to hang out. Hanging out is what she does. She's so good at it that all her singing and David Lachapelle and Heatherette modelling just look like side jobs, the way that everyone else in the place works at Whole Foods or waits tables. The Buddha's VIP section is just a roped-off area in the bar's corner, so everyone could see how the world's most famous professional clubgoer hangs: There's a lot of posing for pictures. There is a sidekick in punk-kabuki makeup and a stuffed animal backpack that may or may not be a conscious throwback to the Party Monster club kid era. There is an enormous bottle of champagne. Beyond that there is just hanging out.
It's hard to put your finger on whatever it is that makes Amanda Lepore compelling, but she is. She's a knot of America's unravelling sexual identity, the artificial incarnation of the blonde bombshell, the heartland's sexual ideal made out of skin-straining breast implants and a surgically-crafted pussy. I think what makes her matter has a lot to do with sacrifice. Lepore's something of a martyr, putting herself on the altar of the surgeon's table so we can all gaze upon the results. Think about it like this: she's Jesus, Andy Warhol is God, and on the edge of the scene in a darkened corner Marshall McLuhan is chuckling into his balled-up fist. It's 2005 and that's not too far from the truth.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

The latest public apology.

I would like to publicly apologize for any comments I have made last night comparing graphic designers' overuse of the Cooper Black typeface to Richard Pryor "burning through a huge bag of rock, all ending up in the hospital, covered in burns." Richard Pryor is a comedy legend and an American icon, and I hope my comments did nothing to tarnish his legacy of being high as hell on cocaine.

Friday, November 18, 2005


Biz Markie is DJing a fundraiser party for Hillary Clinton at Crobar on the 3rd. I want to be there when Hillary and the Biz shake hands and rupture the fabric of the universe.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Weekend tips and cock teases.

There's going to be a good bit of juicy hip-hop gossip hitting the charts soon. I've sworn not to release the actual information, and because in the past year or so I've developed some sort of "ethics" or something I won't actually drop the specific info. But it's kind of rad news if you're into rappers going crazy, which I am; I don't know about you.
Tonight (11/18/05): I am doing a Sparks thing at St. Alfred ( which is across the street from Reckless/Rodan and they sell very fancy kicks) where you can hear super-new music from people on Ghostly and other totally famous labels. RSVP to krabby@stalfred.com. There are also goodie bags.
And after that the Avatars are playing at Beat Kitchen. If you like bands like the Pretenders or the Ramones, or if you own a shirt from a garage rock record label, you should be there.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Class actions.

I need a new coat. I went out shopping tonight, ready to drop triple-digits on some winter outerwear and maybe a Look upgrade. The past two winters I've been wearing the same Gap clearance-rack parka, and I was considering stepping my style up a notch with a nice-looking overcoat-type jam. I generally dress like someone splitting the difference between smacked out Stones and an acid casualty with femme tendencies and too many records. I'm nearing 30, and at some point I'm going to make the decision to either wear nice-looking clothes or go quietly into the eternal record store clerk/Thurston Moore night. I found an affordable, good-looking coat at H&M that actually fits me, and I almost dropped the $150 on it, but decided to hold out, sleep on it for a minute. Earlier in the day I had bought the new issue of Spin and within minutes found myself checking out what Franz Ferdinand is wearing for possible inspiration. It had left me troubled, finding myself in the midst of such a desperate action.
When my co-conspirator/occasional editor/full-time fashion consultant Jessica Hopper swung by I asked her opinion on the coat matter. "You should get a big puffer coat in a bright color. Just go to Rainbow and buy a girl's jacket."
As the universe is eternally drawn towards entropy, so am I ever drawn to tackiness, and the girls' section clearance rack.

He's like the hip-hop Katamari.

Dude, 50's entourage is absorbing entire other rap groups (2nd item).

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Lies, Damn Lies, and More Lies

Oh snap! Fuck Napster's ad people, the Bush administration is bringing the real heat on the truth/not truth/are you really going to waste your time thinking about what the truth is (because really, thinking is so booooring)/bullshit-slinging. And fuck whoever says that G.W. Bush has got no talent: as an experiment, get a half-dozen friends or co-workers together and see if you can tell them, "Congress shouldn't pass laws interfering with C.I.A.torture prisons, but the C.I.A. doesn't actually have torture prisons," without either cracking up or breaking into tears.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

OhSnap 2.06 beta

Big ups to whoever in the ad agency Napster's hired for their "Have Everything/Own Nothing" campaign that's currently plastered all over our bus shelters. If there's not already an award for advertisements that put the product's un-consumer-friendly features (in this case, the fact that if you sign up for Napster you don't actually own the music you download, but rather sort of rent it for the time you subscribe to the Napster service, and once you quit it you can't fuck with your own music that you paid for) there should be. The next prize in this category will go to whoever comes up with Sony's "If You Actually Legally Buy Our Music We Will Put Malware On Your Computer That You Wouldn't Get If You Downloaded Our Shit Illegally But Fuck You Anyways" campaign, if they have the balls to really go through with it.
In related technology news, I'm developing a program that will immediately place any manipulative emails from your exes into the your junk mail folder, along with an autoreply of an email with an animated .gif of a Mummenshantz guy giving the sender the finger. I'm calling it iThoughtyouknew.

The situation as it stands.

The kids out tonight at the bar I DJed were obnoxious, and it seemed like half of their dance-moves repertoire was "stomp your feet really hard on the ground." The other part was "jump up and down with your hands in the air," so my records were skipping like craziness, and it was super hard to cue shit. But they were moving, so I gave them what they wanted, which was last years indie rock hits, 1999's catchiest rap singles, and half of the Bloc Party remix record. At least they danced, at least I was getting paid, and as much as I questioned their lack of enthusiasm for any black artist after the late 80s I had to respect the way they made a muddy beer mess on the floor right off the bat to wallow in for close to four hours.
The cat's been edgy recently, but that's becoming the status quo. Like anyone whose gone from being the wallflower to being the life of the party she's going through a phase of unabashed whorishness, basking in the fact that anyone wants to touch her and letting anyone who wants to do so. I know I've been there. Maybe you have. But also the barometric pressure is up, and I know it's affecting my knees and I think it maybe was why that one dude had his shirt off at the bar, cold freaking hippie chicks like whatevs. If I've learned anything from watching people the cat will probably keep on this thing for a while and then either move into her own place to get her shit together or get a job bartending. I have to admit that I'm hoping for the latter, because bartenders make a lot of money and the fact is that the cat hasn't ever been able to chip in on rent or bills.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Requisat in Sock

During last night's festivities an unnamed sock monkey was accidentally immolated. Though the fire damaged only the beast's tail, the gruesome extent of the damage and the fact that it stank like burnt polyfiber filling was enough cause to determine the injury fatal. A short ceremony was held in the kitchen, after which the unnamed sock monkey was laid to rest in the trash can, and then shortly after in the dumpster behind the building. The sock monkey is survived by another, unnamed sock monkey and a stuffed animal of indeterminate species named Jose.

Monday, October 31, 2005

Some notes.

- My cat is greedy and lazy and dwarfed by her own sense of entitlement. I will make a great middle-class parent some day.
- For some days I have been contemplating the meaning of Julianne's Flash Gordon reference in her link to my blog. As of right now: still no idea.
- Hip hop is starting to feel just like any other sport to me. I don't follow sports. Can someone start making me a highlight reel? I like highlight reels.
- A coincidence: I was writing a song today and working out what exactly it is about Karen O's vocals that I'm trying to rip off, and I took a break to go downstairs and watch Katrina from Celebration totally head-fake Karen O from a decade and half a continent away. I'm used to watching bands that aren't as good as Jaks, so now I'm all confused. Damn, Bloodsucker, indeed.
- Sub-note: I am only ripping off female musicians from now on. I mostly only give a shit about female musicians these days, and it will be less obvious to people that I'm ripping musicians off if they're women. (What kind of self-respecting male musician steals moves from chicks anyway?) Don't hate the player, hate the patriarchy.
- Sub-note 2: Indian Jewelry is playing at the Mutiny tonight (10/31/05). If you wanna add some real tribal freakiness (seriously on some Spahn-Ranch-scene-report shit) to your Halloween, or if you just like oversized glasses of beer, go check it out.
- New issue of Hit It Or Quit It available now at record stores and Insound. Home delivery is available for single females ISO SWMs into spicy food, hot tubs, and long, drunken diatribes about what the reemergance of acid house "really means".

Saturday, October 29, 2005

My morning in country music.

There is a certain note of emphasis in the way that Tad Kubler tells a venue security officer, "Yes, he will be drinking tonight," that can fill one with either intense dread or a terrible, terrible excitement. If drinking had a Pope it would be Tad Kubler. The bad news is that I had to turn down a night on the town with the dudes because I had to be up early. For some reason I volunteered to be at the Hard Rock Cafe at 9:30 this morning to spend the better part of a day watching would-be Toby Keiths and would-be Gretchen Wilsons audition for Nashville Star. It ended up that everyone there were total bros and everyone had a good time except for the people who were crying.

Friday, October 28, 2005

The bad song players.

I thought the whole point of professional DJs is that we pay someone so that we don't have to hear ugly transitions or "Tainted Love". Apparently RJD2 doesn't feel the same way. Dogg, if I want to hear 80s songs that I hate I would go watch my roommate's ex spin, which I don't do, because I hate them. Apparently Juelz Santana's Dipset anthem is the new go-gangsta jam for white kids...oh wait, Hopper just said that. Fuck it.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

The season of sweater-tugging.

I was in an emo mood today. I found myself listening to Cap'n Jazz, pitching a story on Norma Jean, and bitching with Teeter about the scarcity of non-totally-ugly My Chemical Romance desktop wallpapers, all while eating a tofu dog. And I am wearing glasses. Yesterday I had a white belt on.
Later on I was wondering if it's more emo to use a Mac or to have to use a PC but really wanting a Mac.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

What up NPR?

Hey dudes: Don't be broadcasting spoken-word pieces about some woman's childhood sexual abuse at lunchtime. Seriously. That's fucked up. I am trying to eat some pasta, not get all depressed and grossed out.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

On-stage production techniques go nuts; I don't

My first thought when I walked into the Jamie Lidell show was that I was happy that there were seats. The rightness of this idea, and the deeper truth of it, was revealed to me with the show's duration. I actually like Lidell's Multiply, despite the fact that it's a 1+1 genre-melding exercise, more match-up than mash-up, strictly delineated and something like the musical equivalent of a tv dinner tray; no peas in my apple cobbler and vice versa. My problem with his live show is the same as any show involving a dude and his table full of electronics gear: unless that dude is going to lay down serious beats and be mostly ignored by a roomful of dancing people, I'm not going to hang out and watch it.
Last night I played at a singer-songwriter showcase. Before 2000 the singer-songwriter was the most self-indulgent thing anyone could see onstage in a musical context (Performance artists are the single most self-indulgent thing onstage or off in any context). But now there is a new expectation from musicians that their audience should be utterly enraptured by their knob-turning and experimental Xaos pad-tweaking, that that should qualify as a show. I am not enraptured. If I was sitting in a friend's living room, stoned, and they busted out their one man band looped beatboxing project, I would probably be blown away, but I spent over half of Lidell's show trying to check the time on my phone without getting busted by the guy who caught me doing that about 20 minutes into it. I will admit that a dude beatboxing house beats instead of rap ones is a novel idea, but not one that can sustain my interest. Lidell's schtick is that he does half a dozen things at once: beatboxing, singing, tapping out soft-synth beats, playing a little keyboard. It takes a lot of concentration, and I doubt that I could do what he does. The thing is, I don't go to a show to watch someone concentrating. The best concerts that I've seen involve very little concentration on the part of the performer. Either they're too fucking good at playing their instrument or they don't give a fuck and spend most of their time onstage drinking and/or inciting the crowd and/or doing bodily damage to themselves. The performer's freedom from what the technical aspects of what they are doing onstage provides the transcendence that we as an audience do or should demand from a performance. Jamie Lidell's constant multitasking came off more like someone trying to catch up on their email before a meeting than anyone providing entertainment to anyone.
A share of the blame for performances like this come from the inevitable perfectionism that is the outcome of music's computerization. 808s begat Pro Tools which begat a demand, starting with producers and record labels, through musicians, unto the audience, of perfect beat-matched tempos and exact edits, whether in the studio or onstage. Anyone doubting the validity of a performer singing along to a pre-sequenced cd or computer file seems like a Luddite now, and even singers with session backing bands are expected to deliver on-the-dot renditions of their studio recordings. (Did you see Kelly Clarkson doing "Since U Been Gone" on Saturday Night Live? It totally blew my mind because someone seemed to have let the band go and let them do all the feedback and skronk that the song needed to reveal its debt to the Pixies' first two records. It felt super loose and electric and amazing. Seriously.)
The rest of the blame, albeit a concentrated and distilled part of it, lies in the current solipsistic nature of music in our present times. Genres and sub-genres inspired by techno and hip-hop have been a fertile culture for the reproduction and amplification of the cult of personality that superstar DJs and cribs-flaunting rappers developed, losing all sight of the crowd-pleasing elements that both styles of music were built on. When producers become superstars, we're supposed to be enthralled by the act of watching producers produce, a "look at me" tricksterism that's assumed to be entertaining.
I'd rather watch dudes do wheelies. In middle school there were always guys around busting wheelies on their BMXs on the sidewalk in front of the school for any audience who happened to be around for it. You could tell that, just like these me-and-my-Pro-Tools "performers" they had spent a lot of time working out their tricks in private, making all their mistakes where nobody could see them and waiting for the time for them to bust it out and impress everybody. The difference is that a good block-long wheelie on a BMX is like poetry made out of physics, every bit as enthralling and amazing as any modern dance you could cite, with a greater chance of blood being spilled for the sake of the performance.
The other difference between wheelies and watching a guy twiddling knobs is that a wheelie takes up 20 seconds of my time at best, and at the end of it I'd clap my hands and scream out for them to do it again.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Bane's secret genius.

Holy shit, did Bane actually write a song about Texas Hold-'Em poker? An actual, first-person narrative song about playing Texas Hold-'Em poker? And it doesn't rhyme? And it's about Texas Hold-'Em poker?
Thank you, Bane, for writing a song that finally settles the argument of, "What is the worst hardcore song ever?" Now that we all have that to agree on, I'm sure scene unity is right around the corner.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005


One of my favorite things right now is the slogan of the Revolutionary Communist Four Speaking Tour, “It’s Way Past Time to Throw Off the Chains of Oppression and Get With the Emancipators of History!”, a slogan whose totally awesome "Goddmamn it already," cranky vibe more than makes up for the fact that it is way too bulky and unwieldy to be a slogan that anyone will actually ever use. The other one of my favorite things right now is the Campo de Montalban cow/goat/sheep cheese. Imagine a shit-tight 3-on-3 street ball team, where each of the members is one of the type of milks that go into Campo de Montalban, your pallet is represented by the court, and the basketball is flavorfulness and when you eat some of it it's like all three of them are doing insane backwards slam dunks at the same time. Serious.

Monday, September 19, 2005

Farm Aid: the quickest of recaps

The only part of FarmAid that was better than Jeff Tweedy dropping two curse words and a blunt critique of the Bush administration into probably the weirdest live music set CMT has ever broadcast was when John Mellencamp dropped one curse word and a blunt critique of the Bush administration into a live CMT broadcast dudes all over the country had been sitting on their couch waiting for all day. If you're talking strictly the best musical moment, it was the couple of seconds connecting the moment I realized that the guy backing Neil Young up on guitar was Willie Nelson and the moment I realized that Emmylou Harris was walking onstage to join them. I was ensconced in the VIP luxury of the Sun-Times box seats, at approximately the height and angle relative to the stage that you would expect from an out-of-body experience.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

"Sales of shit-cheap vodka soar...clips at the top of the hour"

There are two old guys downtown who stand on opposite sides of the street holding signs to warn passing tourists about the powers of Soviet mind control on one corner and, I forget, something like the evils of the Catholic church on the other. Usually the only reaction that they get from passersby are the kind of sarcastic laughs and pointing fingers that any nutbag wearing a sandwich board outlining the structure of the secret ruling class should expect when he goes out in public, but I bet in the coming weeks both of them will get at least a few people coming up, saying, "Jesus, do you know something? Anything? What the fuck is going on?"

A sampling of headlines from CNN.com as of 3 AM CDT:

"Poll shows Katrina's racial divide"
"Police find 8 Ohio kids locked in cages"
"Baby born to brain-dead woman dies"
"Police: NYC firefighter assaults immigrant"
"Chimps killed after zoo escape"

And that's just the front page.
I'm not looking at CNN.com again for another week. Fuck it, I'm not going to look at shit, I'm going to keep my eyes closed so tight that they bleed for the next week and a half because if I see so much as an empty bag of Doritos in the gutter I'm going to lose my shit in a way that could only be described as "completely."
You gotta be at least a little envious of those chimps, though. At least they could reach out and touch the bars they were locked behind, and at least they could get get away from them for a minute of unimaginable freedom before the zookeeper capped them down. Imagine how those minutes must have felt...

Thursday, September 08, 2005


A non-specific response to the situation, but TVOTR keeps me believing in the possibility of actual voices being raised in actual protest in actual new and novel ways, theirs being a way that uses the pulse and reverb of a Peter Gabriel song to explore that space where liberal minds go when they're pushed too far by anger and start getting Manson-y. Bonus: the lyrics read like a harDCore song except probably for the part about dosing the pigs with acid.


Imagine a blog devoted entirely to excuses why the blogger couldn't update...
The thing is, I got nothing. Everything that could be said about Katrina has been said better than I could, and writing about anything else feels cheap. I was at the bus stop today reading Spin's article on Franz Ferdinand and could barely hold in the, "Who cares?" that I wanted to yell out when I came face to face with the reality of where the drunken antics of rock semi-stars really fits in the eschelons of worldly importance. Consider my life and the would-be rock semi-star antics that it's based on and understand the worldshakingness of that realization. Consider a generation raised in these solipsistic decades under fallen-out hippies and the media empire they've built, and understand how the men who run this country can create this most fecund ground for a revolution without worry, because that revolution simply will not come. Understand how the task of processing tragedy via art will fall yet again into the wrinkling hands of Don Henley, how our demographic's yelps of outrage will inspire nothing more than another night of attempted dancefloor hookups, remixed and unimportant. We've embraced and recombined the aesthetics of all the most revolutionary musical movements since 1962 and shorn them of their revolutionary power by thinking the aesthetics alone can communicate our outrage, but our songs don't dare, don't confront, and end up little more than advertisements for hairstyles. For the first time in my life I kind of respect Conor Oberst and the yelps of outrage that he's been putting on wax, because crafting articulate lines about inarticulate frustration is unfashionable and great. Yelling shit of importance out into the cavernous echo chamber of American youth apathy is worth something, even if, in the end, it does about as much good as the "No War" button that's holding up my bedroom curtain.
What we need is an anthem. Is there going to be a "Kent, Ohio" for every black man whose liberation at the hands of soldiers came by a bullet instead of a seat on a bus? For every black woman raped in the essential hours wasted by uncaring, powerful men? The refugees being sent to detainment camps in Oklahoma, finally on paper as second-class citizens instead of just informally, will they have a song? I will try to write one for them, but I am not a great artist. I'm not sure that anyone else right now is either.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

The Mathematics of the Politics of Ecstasy

Just finished the Perfect Panther record. For I think the first time I've made a record without a song about hating myself. The closest is a bit of self-recrimination about not being more active in promoting feminism, I guess, but I don't know. Maybe I'm just feeling better about myself. Or maybe my disliking certain people has finally outweighed my own self-dislike, because it has proportionally, an equal amount of diss songs as the last 50 Cent record, but with several hundred percent more parts that sound like we've been listening to more Nick Cave than we actually had.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

"Butthole". Why not?

I just wrote a semi-businessy email re: some dj work in which I compared playing Nine Inch Nails for hipster kids with a finger to the butthole of a someone you're getting freaky with, in that very few people will actually ask for it, but more than you'd expect will go off if you do. For a second I thought it was kind of weird that I wrote that, but I guess it's just par for the course of mid-to-late 2005 when Jessica and I (usually totes up on the creation or early adoption of street-hot slang) are using the word "butthole" more often than any other Americans over age 8. It's like the slang equivalent of grad students working at Starbucks. I told a friend in a band that we titled an interview with him that's running in HIOQI XVIII, "Like A Laser Beam To Your Butthole". For a second he looked like I had told him we'd napalmed his living room.

Better or (preferrably) worse living through chemistry.

I tried to watch the Kinski/Oneida show tonight but I've got allergies and I realized 2.5 seconds into Kinski's set that I don't even have the financial resources to get stoned enough to get down with them. Then again, I barely have the financial resources to invest in a decent sandwich. But drug music's only good when the drugs aren't good for the musician, you know? For as much acid as the Butthole Surfers did, it obviously didn't completely agree with them, and putting the Geto Boys or the first Stooges record on mass repeat is like being friends with one of those people that smokes weed all day long despite the toxic, aluminum-foil-over-the-windows paranoia that comes from it. Without that unbalanced edge you get Donovan or math rock. It works the same way with the fans. The relatively sedate psych-folk revival's got its future pinned on the pseudo-booj market for spendy weed, but you set some kids up on a maintenence regimen of Ritalin and SSRIs, let them grow up to the age where they start fucking with some alternative chemistry on top of that, and you get System of a Down, Mars Volta, and Hella doing arena shows together, which is truly bonkers on several levels. When mallrats have a dozen or so degrees of amped-litude over me on the subject of manic avant-rock, it gives me pause. But I'm not even trying to get it. I'm sticking with super-premium vodkas because I'm trying to be the 2006 Dame Dash.

Friday, August 12, 2005

Oh, The Guilt

I just got done on a final edit of this like real cynical and snarky faux MySpace music industry survey where it was all, "Oh, (inside joke about some band that got really heavily PR-ed and totally sucked) [nudge, knowing smile]". I think I was actually kind of smirking to myself in satisfaction and loading Blogger up so I could post it on my blog when I all of the sudden remembered the war in Iraq and I was like, "WHAT THE FUCK!" You can't realize anything faster than how I realized how utterly pointless my fucking "bands you 'know'" vs. "bands you actually know" equation is. I swear you could almost actually hear me thinking "WHAT THE FUCK!" so hard that it echoed in the back alley behind my building.
Is what's happening to the subculture now like what happened to the hippies? Did we just become the hippies c.1972? I need to read some of the real paranoid Phillip K. Dick stories right now because that shit's starting to make a lot of sense, and I need to make myself a poster to hang on the back of my bedroom door that says, "BURN DOWN THE WHOLE FUCKING SYSTEM" so I stop forgetting that.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Capitalism makes you an asshole.

So the two anonymous comments on my blog today ended up being comments spam for a dating service. Hey, thanks a lot spammers. Way to fucking just go in and ruin my stuff. Do you have parties where after the keg's half gone and people are starting to loosen up and have a good time you hide in the shower and corner people coming into the bathroom to deliver high-pressure sales pitches for time shares in Cancun? Assholes.
Comments are disabled from here on out. Anonymous shit-talkers will have to start using a fake email account. My past enemies have favored Hotmail for this purpose. I don't know how well they liked the service, but maybe they have a Scene Drama quick setup tool or something.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Sometimes it's just all too much, right?

I tore up the plate of the nachos with systematic hunger of a state-of-the-art demolition crew, the desire for nachos being fuelled, sometimes, by the same hunger for negation or wish for an act of destruction to be a creation, for however many fleeting seconds that it happens, unto itself. It's that desire that fuels anything from the bedroom to the dancefloor that we call "tearing it up". At some point near the end of the plate I realized I was composing poetry about nachos. Staring past a chunk of pico de gallo, I realized something was wrong.



Thursday, August 04, 2005

The two most busted-hair people in the club.

The story of me hanging out with Faith Evans is long, and I'm not gonna go into it, but I will say that it starts with me drinking panty-peeler shots and ends with her asking me for my number.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Bummer Summer

Talk about shitty days, though. The weather's like living 24/7 in the butthole of a guy shovelling coal in the engine room of some 1877 Mississippi steamboat, which gave me like THREE pimples, and then Bush does an end run around the legislature to appoint a new UN ambassador who will probably start like at least a dozen wars. How am I supposed to live my active socially butterfly-like life with acne breakouts and the democratic process of our nation eroding like a sno-cone in a piss stream?

The number one song in New York City for the past 20 years.

Another dip in the bubbly waters of flossy clublife last night at the De La afterparty. Guest list and gangsta-grips with the party promoter and a headlock-based hug thing before he introduced us around and bought us drinks. Handshakes with the guy who does Beyonce's house remixes. Afro maintenence tips and anecdotes with a girl named Betty and I thought for a minute that I should go out with her, mostly because we would be, you know, Miles and Betty, which is the type of music-writer shit that I always feel ashamed of whenever it pops in my head, which is basically all the time.
I keep thinking of the club or whatever it was that I hung out at in Kalamazoo, 1998. There was a warehouse north of downtown where all the raves were, and being halfway between the Chi and the D on the I-94 drug corridor everyone came from out of town and packed the place with more people than should have been at a rave in Kalamazoo dancing to better DJs than we deserved. On the ground floor and around the corner there was an office that had been used by a shipping company or something; drywall halls, cheap woodgrain office doors, a big garage. The garage was the dancefloor, all dim-to-nonexistant lighting, old oil slicks and newer water puddles on the floor, some kid from Western Michigan Univ. spinning some shitty soulful house. There was always about a third of the crowd that showed up there that didn't give a fuck about the DJ or the dancing. They broke into the offices to do coke or backrub circles. The socializing happened in the halls and the bathrooms, where people did more drugs and had more random sex. Candy ravers and punks hung out with Australian soccer teams carrying half a liquor store. Around then the tv news was running stories about the dangers and decadance of raves, and pretty much every sin and crime they listed in their items happened at the office every weekend. I pissed next to a drag queen for the first time there. When I finally heard Lifter Puller the next year it was like I had been waiting for years for them to happen.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Real hot.

Yeah, I know I haven't been blogging. Not blogging is what's hot on the streets these days. iBook batteries taking the grande muerto shit is also hot in the streets, so is saying, "Fuck y'all" and going inside where there's air conditioning and acting all reptilian and evil about your air con priveleges, and basically saying , "Fuck y'all" about anything is real hot. Apparently also hot: not giving me My God-Damn Money.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Loved Despite (Or Because) Of Great Faults

I'm at the studio right now, working on a record that will probably earn me less people walking up out of the blue at the Rainbo to comment on it than the picture of me on Cobrasnake where it looks like I'm staring at my friend Anna's tit. (For the record I was so spaced out by the 5am snapshot that if I did even see her exposed boob I never realized it. Not that anyone cares.)

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

The nighlife pays off.

Once again I said F's on the outdoor music festival and just hit the afterparties, but this time it was work. If the career aptitude test I took in high school had offered "Clubs Journalist/Photographer" as an option (my test suggested "Taxi Driver") I might have figured out sooner that making small amounts of money for staying out until well into the morning partying and yelling at people through a megaphone on the back patio of a condo neighborhood apartment is really kind of an awesome job. As it is I'm going through a club kid renaissance at age 28, although on a considerably nicer scale than the converted-shipping-company-offices-turned-ecstacy-dens that passed for clubs in Kalamazoo 1998.

Friday, July 22, 2005

Monday, July 18, 2005

The Intonation Afterparties Almost Killed Me

I missed out on Intonation Fest, but I don't really care. I didn't miss out on the swarms of indie girls in from out of town, trolling the afterparties for Band Ass. One girl at Redno I couldn't hear over the music, so she had to repeat it to me in single-word-yelling mode: "OH. MY. GOD. YOU'RE. IN. OUT HUD. AREN'T. YOU." You can imagine how bad I felt letting her down. I helped Liz pick out the famous people in the crowd and she told me how three seperate spiritual healers told her that she is basically going to give birth to the Chosen One. If you look her up and down and think about it for a second, it almost makes sense.
The night before, the Constantines show at the Bottle was balls-deep with Intonationers showing up already hammered. The vibe in there was heavy on the LA/NY indie rock networking with a distinct streak of county-fair-outdoor-concert hedonism running through it. When everybody was holding their arms in the air for the Constantine's breakdown/breakthrough part at least two couples were totally doing heavy public makeouts. I was mostly busy just trying to keep my shit together; Craig had hunted down some guys who would smoke us down and they ended up getting us so high that Craig was afraid of wearing a hat. Between that kind of hysterical retardedness and the effect that the Constantines's live show has on the cripplingly stoned, I was just barely holding on. Not so bad that I couldn't chat up a couple of label people, though.
The Constantines played the song that's made me think more about music than anything else in recent memory, a dead-on cover of Elevator To Hell's "Why I Didn't Like August '93", a piece of three-chord perfection that makes me think (first) how I have become one of Those Guys whose favorite songs are by obscure side projects of not-even-really-indie-famous bands or like the first ABC Diablo seven-inch and (second) how I still can't quite believe that I have an Eric's Trip tattoo. I'd like to word up Brennan Sang for sending me the mp3 of that cover by the Constantines, for remembering a time like a decade ago when I was nuts over the original and for realizing that I probably wouldn't hear it otherwise, since the idea of buying the Believer's music issue (which bonus cd includes that track) makes me want to projectile-vomit blood all over the walls.

Friday, July 08, 2005

They looked like a combination of "I can't believe you just did that" and "I think I just found a dead rat".

If anyone sees Kanye around, could you tell him that I think I have his copy of Double J's hip-house classic (?[!]) "Bless The Funk" and that he can have it back if he wants. I dropped it at a party last weekend and everybody looked at me like I had just diarrhea'd into the talk-over mic. I don't think the kids are ready for the hip-house revival yet, and I'm not sure that I'd want to be involved in starting one either. Actually, tell Ye that I'll trade it for one Roc-A-Fella charm, production on one song for the Perfect Panther album and one exclusive for my mixtape. Who knows, maybe "Bless The Funk" is like his Rosebud or something.

They don't stop selling liquor when things go bad.

Slept through another historical tragedy today. This is becoming a pattern, getting the word that our world has forever changed while I'm wiping the sleep from my eyes and trying to get out of my another-dream-where-I'm-trapped-in-a-mall-with-talking-animals late-morning/early-afternoon headspace. The morning the towers came down I was in a borrowed futon sleeping off a drinking binge with my girlfriend. We got the news from the futon's owner when he came back from class, waking us from a dead sleep at 2 pm. The tv coverage was already in recap mode. Which isn't as bad as my friend Neil. He was living in Brooklyn at the time. During that morning when everyone in NYC was scrambling to locate their family and friends, no one could get a hold of Neil. Eventually around 1 someone got him on the phone. He'd slept through the whole fucking thing. Something about me feels the need to commemorate the important things that happen during my life in the way I feel proper in order to get the maximum amount of Meaning out of each. I mourn dead rock stars with solitary drunken wakes. I wait for the wind to turn my spiritual weather-vanes in the right direction before I let myself put on the important songs so that they always keep their power to underline and italicize certain hours and minutes of my life. I don't know what I expect from history, maybe a phone call ten minutes before the event, "Mr. Raymer, it is essential that you wake up and turn on the news by 8:56. There is something you must see." I know I'm asking too much. Sometimes there's History In The Making and sometimes there's just terror sex on the couch.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

What you can learn from someone who shits in a box.

The cat just tears across the whole length of my apartment, up onto and then off of the arm of the couch, getting some just serious air, and the goes right past me and the cat charmer toy that's supposed to be the point of this whole game, and buries herself under the pile of press materials on the living room floor. She pokes her head out with her ears cocked to the side at their most devilish angle, just looking like, "Fuck structured goal-based entertainment. I'm doing me." She can drop some serious knowledge, especially coming from someone who eats out of the garbage.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Pukingly hot.

So my dj night got cancelled but I got a gig writing about the songs I dj with. Both happened on the same day, within like an hour of each other. It's like a cosmic, "Huh? Okayyyy..."
Do you need a new diet plan? Here's one: Get so fucking hot because it's so fucking goddamn hot out, so hot that you can't even think about eating, so you don't eat. After not eating all day, you hit this point where your body threatens to shut down dead-laptop-battery-stylee if you don't put food into it; instead of eating, walk around until you're just unbearably hot and sweaty. Then watch someone else eat a hot tamale. You'll never want to eat again. The flashbacks alone make me want to puke.

Monday, June 27, 2005

Updated Critical, Darling FAQ 06/27/05

Aren't you hot?
Jesus, yeah. We're working on feasability tests on putting A/C up in our apartment. I'm praying for a good outcome.

I heard you were working on a new summer look called "The Conga Player From Santana". How's that going?
I don't know, man. My feelings on it change from day to day. While I truly am into TCPFS in theory and as an occasional look, and even though my dirttee (a dirtstache crossed with a goatee) is coming in nicely, I don't know if I'm dedicated enough to rock one full-time. I am, you know, trying to be attractive to the ladies, and if there's one thing less attractive than someone rocking ironic dirt-style facial hair it's someone who's serious about it.

Um, okay. So what are you listening to?
I was really hoping that the chilly atmospherics of Portishead's Roseland NYC Live could maybe funtion as an ersatz air conditioning, but it turns out while Beth Gibbons really does deliver the vocal iciness, it doesn't actually translate to a physical cooling effect. Otherwise, the Nedelle record, the new Weird War, the new Dance Disaster Movement, My Chemical Romance.

My Chemical Romance?
Next question.

I heard you had a new dj gig.
Yeah. Right now it's called LeROC'D, but I might change the name. I'm doing one the 29th, and probably more after that if it goes well. You should come. It's at Celebrity in Wicker Park.

Celebrity? Isn't that kind of yuppified?
Actually the place is pretty sweet. You can get fancy drinks or you can get cheap-ass cans of beer for like two bucks. Plus dude, isn't errything in Wicker Park yuppified these days? Jesus, it's like, I don't know, hordes of them up there. And I'm going to try to bring in my own dvds to play on the plasma tvs. And I'm just happy to be hanging out in air-con. But seriously, you should come.

Aren't you afraid that you may have just given yourself food poisoning with the mayo you just put on your sandwich?
Yeah, I was just thinking the same thing.

Is it possible to combat food poisoning by eating ice cream sandwiches?
That's what we're hoping.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

The allergic reaction vs. the cheeky midget.

I guess it's hot in London. It's definitely hot here. I'm running some sort of allergy thing right now, a less-than-perfect state to be in when it's this hot out, all sweating and aching and wondering distractedly about the total volume of snot in my head cavities, idly theroizing about rates of snot production, charting it out volume against time. I'm pretty sure there's an equation or function that can describe it.
Speaking of distractedness, I'm sorry, Lady Sov, that I was eating tortilla chips while I was interviewing you. I kind of didn't realize I was eating them, and though Jessica says that it sounded like I was trying to be discreet about it, you can hear it on the tape of our conversations, which means I'm pretty sure you could hear it too. This may be mark the first time that I've grossed out/offended a person via international phone call, though maybe not.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Off the chain (gang).

The retail train slowed down for a bend in the tracks and that's when I jumped off. I ran into Dave Lewis this morning at just the right time for him to tell me that I should quit my job. So I did, sending my resignation via hand-markered note packed in a box of straw, delivered to my former place of employment by a bike messenger in Hell's Angels drag. "Take this job and, I don't know; 'Shove it' sounds kind of harsh. Whatevs," the note said. "Give whatever's in my locker to Lieutenant Leprechaun. Holla." I can only imagine them looking speechless into the messenger's WWII pilot goggles before he turned and wheelied out of there. Must have been priceless. Badracula!
I'm sitting my new workplace; work that doesn't pay, but whatever. We're listening to the old Fugazi stuff and everything feels just fucking right, except that the Hit It Or Quit It office could use a more ergonomic floor for me to work on. But evs, dude.

Friday, June 17, 2005

How Hip Hop Has Affected The Way I Live My Life

What I Did Today:
- Spent the evening writing bizarre, overly-personal record reviews for a magazine I help put out.
- Talked over liquor sponsorship ideas.
- Booked a DJ gig at a cheesy club where known professional football players and women with tit jobs hang out. (The negotiation began and ended with a thug hug.)
- Was informed that a company which produces and distributes pornographic material on the internet is interested in featuring my band's music on its website.
- Talked over clothing line sponsorship ideas.

Jesus, is this what EVERY DAY of Benzino's life is like?

Note: I just went to link to www.benzino.com and there's a holding page there. Dude doesn't even own his own .com? That's basically the equivalent of showing up at the Source awards wearing the bling that they sell at the Clark Station on Augusta.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

These modern times.

"I think I Craigslisted one of your Friendsters this week."
"Oh, God."

Thursday, May 19, 2005

DJ Corporate Synergy

I got the records packed and I'm waiting for a ride to Corporate DJ gig numb two just this week alone. Sellout Summer '05 is in full effect and it's not even June yet. I'm painting myself into a profitable little corner just one door down from the Upper Management Motivational Retreat Rock Band practice space, with the rap song radio edits and the pan-global downtempo wine bar set in the bag. Holla at ya boy for a sonic experience guaranteed to upgrade your retail synergy whatevs.
If you listen half-closely you can see how easy it'd be to make a mashup of Kelly Clarkson's "Since U Been Gone" over Bloc Party's "Banquet", but if you listen a little closer to each of them you'd see what a waste of "Since U Been Gone" that would be.

Friday, May 13, 2005

Places in America

The George Bush Intercontinental airport is like one of those artist's conceptions of the city of the future where you realize after looking at it for a minute that there's no black people in the picture. Endless flourescent-lit corridors of taupe and grey; the depressing realities of neutral toned high-traffic carpet; proof that Texans shouldn't be allowed to design anything, Texans with money even less so. There are seats by a window in Concourse C where you can sit and gaze at the spectral outlines of Houston's ugly 80s-future skyscrapers muted behind smog, towering over so many trees.
Portland is a living testament to everything the hippies got right, a modern Hobbit shire cupped in tree-lined hills and covered in psyched-out murals. The giant metal Buddha head in the yard down from Krystal's place is like no big deal. Chicago suffers eternally under the Second City banner, always trying to keep up with NYC, but Portland is more comfortable with its place in the world. Its past is on sale in junk shops crowded with homemade folk art instead of being razed and replaced with cinder block condos, and the gotta-have-it trend surfing that Chicagoans use to try to impress our New York friends pales in comparison to backyard parties under flickering 16mm film reels and breakfasts that are even better than the nights before. I could probably live there for three months before the modest pace of life drove me insane. I'm a Chicagoan: the blind chasing of a glammed-out dream is all I live for.
At the food court in Minneapolis/St. Paul International I ate a veggie burger next to one of the flyover state guys that Phillip Seymour Hoffman characters are meant to satirize. He looked like he was built out of potatoes and was still wearing his high school class ring, on his cell phone keeping some loved one posted on his progress from mid-Ohio to a wedding in Fort Collins. As some 19 year-old kid dressed in c.1998 Korn doom-rapper gear walked by the Phillip Seymour Hoffman character stopped mid-sentence, dropped his voice, and let the Middle American on the other end of the line in on the world outside of central Ohio. "This guy that just walked by," he excitedly stage whispered, "has got a nose ring." I watched him watching the Korn kid order a Whopper from the African immigrants who staff the food court's Burger King, and the first thing I wanted to do was to call Jessica and excitedly stage whisper, "This guy can't believe he just saw a nose ring." Instead I went back to my veggie burger and my Source and did what most urban dwellers my age do, which is pretend as hard as I can that my fashion choices and negligible political awareness make me a better person than guys like that.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Animal. Collective.

Seeing Animal Collective I'm never sure whether I want to follow them around on tour or if I just want to follow their fans around, knawmean?, because most of their fans are gorgeous girls who look like they spend hundreds on shoes but buy 3-buck herbal shampoo from the co-op, who'd spend hazy sunny afternoons rolling perfectly-formed organic-grown joints while talking about their ambitious photo projects, which I don't know how these guys pull in such droves of princess hotties looking, as their band does, like some dudes who have just been let out of the initiation basement of some pre-millennial hippie cult and they actually sound like that too, now that I think about it.
Oh wait. That was last week.

Monday, April 25, 2005

Open Letter to the Eyeball Skeletons

Dear Eyeball Skeletons,
Eyeball Skeletons is my favorite new band name. It beats out Indian Jewelry, which was my favorite before, and the Miles Raymer Progressive Blues Corporation, which is disqualified because I made it up. Plus you guys rock and you have a song that has the same name as your band (which is always a good thing for a band to do) and you guys are like 10, and I bet you guys are really cute making crazy rock with your 10-year-old selves. And I am almost positive that if you guys made tshirts for your band that they are totally amazing. I hope if you made tshirts for your band that they have a picture of an eyeball skeleton, because now that I think about it, I'm really curious to see what an eyeball skeleton is supposed to look like. I'm kind of jealous of you guys because when I was 10 all I did was listen to the Doors and wondered why no one at school liked me (ends up it was because I did things like listen to the Doors, which no one at my school got into until they were older and started wearing drug rugs).
Thank you for bringing the little-kid rock.
PS, please get a website and/or a MySpace profile.

The French and the Germans and the nerds.

I went to both M83 shows last week, too hyped up to not be let down, too much imagining getting high and being swept completely away on their waves of majesty and sorrow, too much actual French-guy bass-humping. Seriously, bass players: humping your bass is not a "move". If any audience member has ever watched a bass player crotch-wrestling their instrument and imagined "What if that was me there instead of a large guitar?", then something is wrong with our society on a whole.
So M83 was a let-down, but nothing wouldn't rock compared to Ulrich Schnauss, who opened. He had a laptop and a keyboard and played the third-loudest parts of the sequenced songs. Sitting at a table with a computer, concentrating through his Germanic haircut, he looked like a zoo exhibit labeled "Nerd".

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Photo Pope Op

Yesterday, in front of the Catholic church on State and Chicago, in front of the news vans and next to the flag-waving altar boys and priests holding their hands high, there were groups of laypeople holding signs with words magic-markered on them and pictures of Benedict XVI from the newspapers' front pages pasted to them. Two women's signs caught my attention. One was a picture of the new pope with a message proclaiming how he will "protect women's dignity". Another didn't have a pope photo, but it had a drawing of a collar and read, "We don't need a collar to bring about change". If you don't catch the irony of the first sign, you can read Jack Miles's remberence of how Pope John Paul II's respect for the dignity of women affected his own family (second half of the article), or you can just imagine having the activity and destiny of the sex parts of your body being in the hands of a man hundreds or thousands of miles away from you who is supposed to know nothing of the nature of bodies' sex parts and who has never and will never meet you or probably has no idea what living your life in your home in your country is like, and just feel that dignity was over you. As for the second sign, it has a lot in common with the "MO DRMA" license plate I saw today, both saying in their own stunningly proud ways that, when life presents you a plateful of shit, one should eat it clean and tip generously.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Engineers all over the world.

Hi. I am a zombie who has just applied lip gloss.. That's a joke, actually. I don't really wear lip gloss. What I am doing in this picture is trying to get feeling back into my lips after kissing ass on the Fader dudes all night long. (Hey homies! We still down for that Big Audio Dynamite retrospective? Holla at ya boy!)
Hi. I'm not entirely sure what's going on. Have you seen my panther tshirt? This is actually the exact same face that I'm making in my new Illinois state identification card. It is a look I've patented called "0.5 Seconds From Now I Will Realize That My Picture Is Being Taken".
You can't really tell from the picture, but here I am doing a new dance move called the Cease And Desist, which doubles as an actual legal notice of copyright infringement. I'll let you know when I've finished choreographing my next move, the Notice Of A Restraining Order Limiting Stipulating That You Have To Remain No Less Than 150 Yards From My Person At All Times.
Perfect Panther's at the Fireside "For Real About The Bowling" Bowl tomorrow (April 14). There will be new songs. Maybe a new haircut. Possibly jams that will change your life. Who knows? For about a second I felt a little conflicted about playing the Fireside after them basically putting the shaft on the Chicago punk scene before I remembered that I'm only in this game for the cash.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

The metal show that wasn't a metal show.

I went to the Pelican show tonight. I saw, by far, the most high heels I've ever seen at a metal show. Pelican was too quiet, so instead of being snatched from the earth and being taken to the disorienting and pretty place that Pelican usually takes me (Pelican being, like Mogwai, almost entirely dependent on mass volume to succeed in a live setting; both bands are put together by fully mundane, normally-looking guys, and lacking spectacle to enthrall their audience they rely on pure presence to carry the viewer from spectation to transcendent participation with the music in a way that is not only mental, but emotional and even physical. Mogwai opening their set in Detroit 2001 with "Come On Die Young" at a literally staggering volume is one of two instances that a performance has been so overwhelming that it's brought me to tears. The other time was seeing Poison performing "Every Rose Has Its Thorns".) so the only real entertainments I had were looking at pretty girls and watching indie kids reacting to the guy in the Sepultura shirt who was engaging in full-on serious headbanging. You could really just reach out and touch their discomfort and contact embarassment at the spectacle of someone rocking out that unashamedly in public, swinging his perfectly straight, shining head of golden-blonde hair without a second of concern for composure.
Only metalheads and girls who ride horses have that kind of hair.

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

The legal drugs.

If you ever feel like you want to extend the feeling of being at the ass end of a weekend-long drug binge without having to deal with any of the inefficient euphoria and hallucinations a drug binge entails, I would suggest you check out Lexapro. It's a cunning little anti-anxiety/depression drug that does its work by distracting you from the second-to-second dread of existence by giving you painful non-stop jaw clenching and dreams that your pillows are made out of squirming masses of algae that may or may not be alien and may or may not be somehow risen from the dead. I have my reasons for never becoming a strung-out coke whore who's cross-addicted to PCP, but there's apparently no reason why my lifestyle choices should keep me from feeling like one.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Have you stopped caring yet?

If you're really curious about what I've been up to, you can just read Hopper's blog and you can get an actually not-too-bad idea of what I do. I'm like the co-star in her sitcom. Eventually I would like to be the Very Special Guest on a Very Special Episode of the Internet. I can give the Internet a lecture on why it doesn't need crystal meth to feel good about itself or why it should man up and pay for its girlfriend's abortion. One day.
Last night's Farewell (Temporarily, At Least) To Drinking was a total letdown. I have to start taking pills so I can start going outside without feeling massively uncomfortable, and these pills mean that I can't drink. The big blowout involved me sitting at the bar, almost too tired and too bored to lift the glass to my mouth. I drank some fancy tequila in my apartment, but that was mostly because I felt I had to.

Monday, March 07, 2005

Dead battery on the dirty desk.

Dear Livejournal,
My laptop battery is dead. I am about a week behind in my internet porn viewing. There is a mathematical model that proves that once you fall behind 8 or more successive days on internet porn, it is mathematically impossible for you to catch up, so I guess I'm basically screwed. Thanks computer. Thanks, math.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Dang, Christina!

So number one, Workplace Soundtrack Blogfuck Series Uno (possibly the most ambitious and important project in the history of the internet) has been dereailed by the running beef between my hard drive and the rest of the computer. We will be back this weekend, back with a vengeance.
Number two, I really did not mean to bump into Christina Milian, especially to bump into her so roughly. It's just that I don't look at where I'm walking a lot of the time, and she really is kind of magnetic in a literal sense, so I couldn't help it. I did however give her an on-purpose cocked-eyebrow-and-smile combo, because if there's anything funnier than pissing off a celebrity it is to mack on them after you piss them off. I meant to spit more serious game at Christina Applegate when she came in the day after that, but girl is looking a little bit roughed-up these days.
Number three is that I have to take off now to go take care of some catsitting and the attendant liquor-and-food-raiding activities that go along with the job.
Number four: please listen to Demon's Claws' self-titled album (Dead Canary Records, DCR004).

Sunday, February 20, 2005

Tegan & Sara - "I Hear Noises"

Before this month all I knew about Tegan & Sara was that they were Canadian, sisters, and either lesbians or had a lot of lesbians as fans. And that they are totally cutes.
Now I know that they don't actually make the earthy pop-folk typically associated with lesbians or people who may or may not in fact be lesbians or may or may not have some sort of lesbian fan base. They instead make, at least in the case of "I Hear Noises", songs that press Rentals-style three-chord pop stratospherics against slinky/stuttery almost-Chrissie-Hynde vocal lines in a way that is kind of hot and might even be sexy if it was possible for Canadian bands to evoke sexiness in songs.
This song is the one for this month, the one that I get a little amped for when the song that precedes it comes on and I get even a little coiled up and ready to sing along with it and rock out to it on the sales floor in a way that might be embarrassing if I gave a fuck about how cool I come across in the eyes of dozens of roving packs of Midwestern moms/daughters and bad-hair-decision emo kids. Each month I have one song that does that, and they tend to be hook-intensive pop songs by predominantly female groups. We will discuss the reasons behind this trend in later entries (spec. Kelly Clarkson's "Since U Been Gone" and the George Michael single), but basically I have the same psychophysiological reaction to pop music as 13 year-old girls and club-crazy gay men.

Friday, February 18, 2005

Workplace Music War

I really wanted to go more in-depth about Northern State yesterday, but Blogger was jacking up and I don't have the patience to deal with that. You know.
But so that song is on the soundtrack at my work, along with some real miserable garbage and a few gems tossed in here and there to keep employees like myself from clawing our eardrums out. So I've decided to spend the rest of February, or as long as our current workplace soundtrack stays in effect (possibly into early March) blogging daily reviews of songs from the 2-hour DVD that loops nonstop throughout my workday. 2 hours per DVD x 40 hours per week working x 4 weeks a month = a deep understanding of each and every song on the thing that ordinary critics can't hope to touch. Here is entry number 2 in the Workplace Soundtrack Blog-ation:
Shine - "Explosive" (audio clip available here [You should really listen. It's incredible in a fashion.])
This is what nouveau riche Miami real estate golden boys think their sexmaking sounds like.

Thank you.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Quick Note About Rap:

"At The Party" by Northern State is the worst rap song ever. It is worse than "Addams Family Groove", any rap song performed by cartoons, Rappin' Grannies, animals or babies with computer-animated mouths, or the Game. It's like some suburban AP student's idea of a wacky and inventive class project but something's gone horribly wrong and people take them seriously, and the worst part of it is that music magazines can only cover two female MCs/groups per fiscal year [it's a legal thing], so every piece on Northern State is a wasted opportunity to cover Jean Grae or Psalm One or any other woman who actually deserves praise and pay for what they do on a microphone.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

What is going on tomorrow night.

Tomorrow night I'm taking a break from my blossoming modelling career (look for me starting March 1 on the side of the bus that takes you to your crap job downtown [mine too!]) and plotting to throw blindingly hot parties with Hopper in order to go out and get famously drunk in celebration of my 28th birthday. We're partying it up at Stella's on Western Ave at Walton in Chicago's infamous Ukrainian Village. Gifts of Winston Lights, rechargable AA batteries, and 2 Live Crew 12"s are encouraged. I am also registered at Barney's and at the Citgo station on Western.

Monday, February 07, 2005


I'm feeling totes eem today, so I tried to OC it out and listen to Earlimart, looking for the Elliott Smith that reviews I've read have lead me to believe spoons inside the grasp of their music, but for as much as Earlimart approximates E.Smith melody-wise, their lyrics are fucking terrible and what really makes Mr. Smith's songs important are the lyrics which are so Right There with you when you're sad or drunk or thinking about stabbing yourself repeatedly in the chest. What I realized I was looking for is the same thing that millions upon billions throughout human history have sought and found in religion, which is the invocation of something far greater than themselves and the submission before a power beyond the reaches of their comprehension. Which is why I've been listening to Black Sabbath on headphone blast walking around in February piss-rain, genuflecting, in my head and heart if not in actual physical practice, before the multitracked Living God of Tony Iommi's SG-through-Marshall-stacks power chord, and letting Ozzy be the paranoid head-twisted Christ for my internal torment.
My birthday is Thursday.

Soon the days went passing into years
Happiness just didn't even come so easy
Life was born of fairy tales and daydreams
Innocence was just another word
Was it illusion?
- Sabbath, "Wheels Of Confusion"

Sunday, February 06, 2005

Freedom, apparently.

"The federal government and a powerful local Republican congressman have been pushing for years to fortify the 3 1/2-mile stretch of border just north of Tijuana, Mexico. Their plan is opposed by California coastal regulators and environmentalists who say it could harm a fragile Pacific estuary. Now supporters may be getting closer to victory. A provision in an immigration bill expected to pass the House next week would give the homeland security secretary authority to move forward with the project regardless of any laws that stand in the way, and would bar courts from hearing lawsuits against it."
-From Wired

"The last weeks of 2004 saw several explicit warnings from the antiwar Right about the coming of an American fascism. Paul Craig Roberts in these pages wrote of the “brownshirting” of American conservatism—a word that might not have surprised had it come from Michael Moore or Michael Lerner. But from a Hoover Institution senior fellow, former assistant secretary of the Treasury in the Reagan administration, and one-time Wall Street Journal editor, it was striking."
-From The American Conservative. For real. American Conservative magazine is basically calling the Bush Admin. pseudo-facist. That's how fucked up shit is right now.

Breakdown of the usage frequency of the word "freedom" in Bush's State Of The Union addresses. 17 sentences in 2005 used it. Breakdown overlapping usage frequency of "freedom" and "irony" in Bush's SOUs. O sentences using the word "irony".

Friday, February 04, 2005

Who is this person who is marginally more of a loser than I am?

Who the fuck sets eSniper up on auctions for Antioch Arrow records?

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

(Partial) Tracklist: DJ Yves St. LeRoc at Binoculars III (with notes)

Phoenix - "Everything Is Everything (Remix by Jack Lahana)"1
TV On The Radio - "New Health Rock"
Interpol - "Slow Hands (Britt Daniel Remix)"2
Diplo - "Rhythm"3
Elastica - "Stutter"
Gwen Stefani - "What You Waiting For (Felix Da Housecat's 'The Rude Ho' Remix)4
Touchin' Bass - "Krunk"
Nas - "Made You Look"
Electrelane - "On Parade"
Bush Tetras - "You Can't Be Funky"5
M.I.A. - "Galang"6
Jay-Z - "Dirt Off Your Shoulders (Afrostreet Remix)7
Weird War - "AK-47"
Rolling Stones - "Everything Is Turning To Gold"8

1 - The original has a nice "white boy with an expensive haircut" silky funk vibe. The remix is surprisingly fucked/crunked up and good, flipping it into a chant-along burner.
2 - Again, the remix cuts the hair product-y guitar out and keeps most of the track on a vocals/bass/beat-only tip that is way funkier. Brought out to the front, you can tell why Carlos D gets all of the vampire sex he wants.
3 - If you are spinning this track, do not get over-hypnotized by the amazing kid-rapping-in-Portuguese verse that's the real killer shit here because there's no 16-bar outro and you'll miss your transition like I did.
4 - So after something like 8 months straight of No Doubt on my work's soundtrack I was primed and ready to get brainwashed by the new Stefani, which is just about funky and lyrically neurotic and strange to justify it being stuck in my head 78% of my waking time.
5 - Yeah, I'm kind of over skritchy guitar white people disco too, but it's hard to get out of the habit.
6 - People should be losing shit completely on the first bass kick like they used to for "Work It", but maybe "Galang" hasn't penetrated the pop consciousness enough for that yet, or maybe the 29-38 $50K+ demographic isn't about losing their shit to the funk or something, so the crowd did not, in fact, lose any of their shit at all. We played it twice just to make sure. Nope.
7 - Off of the Reworked 3 bootleg 12". Dang, putting Hov over a real twisted horn line that comes from somewhere between West Africa and a tricked-out Mexican car horn is a pretty good idea.
8 - Their disco-era work is the most universally hated part of the Stones canon (this track coming from the Sucking In The 70s compilation, and I came to it out of ironic love of the immense badness of "Emotional Rescue" but stayed for the combination of painfully simple Watts drumming, between-cocaine-binges Jagger boredom and swagger, and heavily-effected K.Richards guitar parts. "Everything Is Turning To Gold" is every good late-70s Stones trick jammed into one track, and it totally rules. And for some reason it is almost always one of the most successful songs in my set in terms of getting people to actually dance. Dunno.

Monday, January 31, 2005

Blogging about what is happening.

Yeah, dude. I'm trying to imagine what it's like being someone who searches out items from Vice's DOs section to buy for money, even ones that (I remember being, at least [I have fallen behind on my Vice clippings archive (every article and each individual DO and DON'T [you have to get two issues to clip each one] sorted by date, and into POSITIVE, NEGATIVE, IRONICALLY POSITIVE, MAYBE IRONICALLY POSITIVE BUT I'M NOT SURE, and SUFFICIENTLY PORNOGRAPHIC ADVERTISEMENTS folders)]) were sarcastic to begin with, and the effort to make myself that vapid is making my ears pop.
Our show last night was good. We dj'd before, in between, and after Tristeza and L'Altra, so the night went sort of HYPE, mellow, HYPE, mellow, CRUNK'D, and we bummed out fancy dudes wearing expensive eyewear trying to chat chicks up over the searing 303 solo in "Higher State of Consciousness", but Tristeza gave us a shout-out from the stage, told me and Hopper we were like "European", and offered us another gig with them, so that's kind of rad.

Saturday, January 29, 2005

Soundclash: Crunk vs. Indie Stoners

Tomorrow night you should get super stoned and come see Tristeza, and then get dance-ably drunk and throw down to the sounds CoCo and I will be spinning. I'm following her Metallica with Trick Daddy and Gwen Stefani remixes. We will fight over who plays M.I.A. and we will be the best djs in the world, I swear to God.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Something to blow the candles out over.

Do you love me $35 worth?

Give It To Me

Do you have an audio file of the acapella of "I Just Wanna Love U (Give It To Me)"? Because I need one.

Sunday, January 23, 2005

Mixtape 1/23

Brian Eno - "Baby's On Fire"
Pioneer Monitor 8 headphones
Wilco - "Color Me Impressed"
the Replacements - "Color Me Impressed"
Bob Dylan, Paul Westerberg, the Beatles, et al - "Positively 4th Street"
Tony Millionaire - Sock Monkey volumes 3 and 4
Magnum 44 permanent marker
Basic lights (in a box)
Fuji CoolPix S3100 (with the 16MB SD card and all the pictures at the bar)
Rancid - "Salvation"
M.I.A. - "Galang"
the Stooges - "Raw Power"
Lifter Puller - "4Dix"
the ATM receipts
T.Rex - "Mambo Sun"
Jaks - "Damn Bloodsucker"
Antioch Arrow - "Lady Is A Cat"
Lifter Puller - "La Quereia"
the Guinean bootleg over "Are You That Somebody" that I heard in the cab last night
Atmosphere - "Always Coming Back Home To You"
the Beatles - "Her Majesty"

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

In a far-off distant galaxy.

I'm reading Derrick Jensen's A Language Older Than Words. I'm about halfway through it and I have a lot to think about re: the dominant patriarchal Western society's degradation of non-white, non-male, non-human life, and spec. the real possibility that I may need to 1) allow myself to open my internal life to people close to me in order to appreciate the friendship/community neccessary to a spiritually satisfying life and 2) move to New Zealand to live in a communal house with some Maori, but right now I'm just going to drop this excerpt that I read last night and then re-read and re-re-read to make sure that the words on the page actually said what they did:
[Father George V.] Coyne [Director of the Vatican Observatory, speaking on the Vatican's participation in the construction of a state-of-the-art celestial observatory (coincidentally on sacred Apache land)] said the Vatican is involved in this project in order to seek out extraterrestrial beings which "might be brought into the fold and baptized," and defined the protocol necessary on contact: "First of all, one would need to put some questions to him, such as 'Have you ever experienced something similar to Adam and Eve,' in other words, 'original sin'? And then you would have to ask, 'Do you people also know a Jesus who has redeemed you?'"
The power of faith astounds. To, first of all, believe without a shred of doubt in a ghost with superpowers who tells a little man in a ridiculous hat that millions of people should, for instance, not use condoms because they are evil, and to further believe that this idea is so powerful and right that it may very well have occurred to forms of life in distant galleries, blows my fragile mind. If we encounter ET life we should be asking more universal, less fairy tale-ish questions like, "How did evolution work to build life on your planet," "How does your understanding of mathematics compare and contrast with that of the human mind," and "Have you independently invented the four-on-the-floor 808 beat?"

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Signal To Noise

So WIT and Avenue D and all of those coke-chanteuse female-fronted electroclash bands took the anti-professionalism of Bikini Kill and stripped it of the politics at its core, and took Debbie Harry's Cold Sexy Bitch With A Microphone pose and turned the irony of it (the irony which made DH's stance more about power than pin-ups) all the way up until it doubled in on itself and negated the message, and so now we're stuck with these second-wave polectroclash Noise Is The New Thing bands of girls playing keyboards half-assed, and flailing half-choreographed in wigs and fuck-me skirts with no greater goal or desire than to be at the center of a group of dudes' attention for a half hour, and sometimes it's like watching the past two decades of women's progress in the underground music scene lying down to die.
Also: I would recommend spending an amount of money something like half of my year's earnings on digital musical equipment and staying willfully ignorant on how to use it as a great way to say, "I am a child of privilege and I am literally unable to give a fuck," without having to use any words.

Monday, January 10, 2005

A Dollar A Box

I'm doing some simultaneous cooking and cleaning, and I've ended up setting the mop and its bucket near the stove in a way such that I need to step over and around it in order to check on the Rice-A-Roni, but I'm too lazy to do anything to fix it, and I'm in fact so not into moving it that I'll sit here and write about it on the internet instead of fixing it.
Item 1: "How'd We Make Tootie Fruities Taste Like Froot Loops? We asked consumers in a nation-wide survey, and they say Tootie Fruities taste like Froot Loops. We guarantee you'll agree!" I like the Tootie Fruities box. I can't decide if I like that they spell Fruities more properly than Froot, the tug between the part of me that respects the correctness of it versus how kind of schoolmarmy it is compared with Kellogg's more whimsical variation leaves me confused. But there's a blue kangaroo in Wayfarers with an orange baby kangaroo, named Cool Blue and Li'L Oaty, most likely by a production artist who was given under two minutes to create and name two mascots who will never be used for anything beyond the box containing the product itself. Cool Blue's leanback pose and Li'L Oaty's "Fuckit" gesturing indicate two trademarked beings perfectly chill not in spite of, but because of, their disconnect from any context at all. "Don't sweat it, dude," they're saying to me. "Who needs meaning when you're this fucking cool? Liberate yourself from seeking a place in the world around you and you can kick it like us, all stoned out on contextual freedom." Maybe, dudes. I don't know. I also like how the response to "How'd We Make Tootie Frooties Taste Like Froot Loops" completely avoids answering the question, a question that the box poses to itself and avoids. Also, Tootie Frooties are on sale for a dollar a box. They do, in fact, taste like Froot Loops.
Item 2: The new name of my solo project is Black Magic Threeway.
Item 3: Rice-A-Roni is also on sale for a dollar a box. And while I was blogging about Tootie Fruities my Rice-A-Roni was busy boiling down into a thick, porridgey mass. Cool Blue's telling to not to sweat it, but the shit kind of makes me want to puke.

Definite lurking feeling.

I was just walking back up Western to my apartment after an ill-fated and unneccessary trip downtown to show up at work when I was not actually supposed to show up at work, and this guy came out of the Litehouse. He was forty-ish, black, chubby and bearded, and he was chatty. He asked me how my weekend was, told me it was a tough day to have to go to work, told me to have a nice day, all in this too-high squeaky voice that gave me the creeps. Maybe it's the lack of sleep or that for some reason I can't figure out he reminds me of the preacher from Poltergeist 2*, or maybe it's the paranoia you get when the new Mario single has been on repeat in your brain for most of a week nonstop, but I have a definite lurking feeling after talking to the dude that he has managed somehow to steal my soul.
*Which I can't figure out, in part at least, because the preacher in P2 is white, tall and thin, and this dude was not singing creepy hymns or trying (as far as I can tell) to kidnap me in order to harness my powers for evil.

Sunday, January 09, 2005

How much longer are we going to hide under the covers?

I see some striking parallels between the way this society treats sleep and the way it treats sex. Both are sinful activities, associated with one of the Seven Deadly Sins (Sloth and Lust). Both are associated with the most powerful biological needs. Both are supposed to be a taboo topic. Both are supposed to be done in private, at night, with a pretense that it is never actually happening. Education in sleep hygiene and sex hygiene are both slighted, one way or another (the former passively, the latter actively opposed). Both are thought to interfere with one's productivity - ah, the good old Protestant work ethic! Why are Avarice and Greed not treated the same way? Raking in money by selling mega-burgers is just fine, and a decent topic of conversation, even a point of pride. Why are we still allowing Puritan Calvinist way of thinking, coupled with capitalist creed, to still guide the way we live our lives, or even think about life. Sleeping, whether with someone or alone, is a basic human need, thus a basic human right. Neither really detracts from the workplace productivity - au contraire: well rested and well satisfied people are happy, energetic, enthusiastic and productive. It is sleep repressed people, along with the dour sex repressed people, who are the problem, making everyone nervous. How much longer are we going to hide under the covers?

From the sleep blog Circadiana.
(via BoingBoing.net)

Saturday, January 08, 2005

Friends, enemies, and assholes, and where they all meet up in the middle.

Losing friends
Losing friends
You got nothing to lose
You don't lose when you lose fake friends.

-Joan Jett - "Fake Friends" - Album (Blackheart/MCA 757, 1983)

I've lost a lot of friends before. I've lost them for reasons of geography and time; because I drank too much or not enough; because I'm an asshole; because I was a stoner and then because I stopped being a stoner; for a while I was just pissing people off to keep myself entertained when my ego had outgrown the little pond I was living in. But I've never lost the closest friend I've had for the past decade over a girl, which is to say I am only just now starting to live the existential late-20s life that bad movies are made of. If movies tell us how to live our lives (they do), I guess now I'm supposed to go on a long solo road trip to discover first the Spirit of America, then Myself, then True Love, possibly with whoever plays the Patricia Arquette characters now. What I will probably do, though, is continue to sit around my apartment, where the stench of cliche is overwhelmed only by the metric tons of bullshit people keep dumping in my lap, and work on my genius projects. And I've got my cat. If she tries to ditch me she'll starve to death, which is just the kind of friend I need right now.

Thursday, January 06, 2005

The Group Interview and the Inevitable Letdown

I went in to interview for a Retail Position today. Set up in a conference room at a downtown hotel they had set up an SAT-style spread of tables and applications and pens. We filled out our apps and went, four at a time, into Group Interviews. I hate Group Interviews and tend to perform terribly in them. One reason behind my terrible performance is the fact that the Group Interview is bullshit. Bullshit, in fact, is the essential component of them in that you are generally judged in that situation based on your ability to edge out the competition in giving the recruiter the stock overeager-jobseeker answer to any of her questions. "I could be very passionate about your product," "I love doing etc.," etc., etc., which is basically toy, and I just can't get into it. The other handicap in my Group Interview game is my tendency to dedicate energy and attention I should be focusing on the Group Interview to contemplating my co-Group Interviewees with deep, horrified fascination. I should have been concentrating on coming up an interesting, maybe humorous, response to our interview question when I was rubbernecking the glasses-and-goateed IT dept reject after he told the Group he was a dj, trying to figure out what the fuck a dude in crosstrainers and a J Crew button-down spins (I'm thinking soulful house). The real deal-breaker was the fact that I was interviewing against a tiny and cute Asian girl in a sweatshirt with a teddy bear head patch sewn on it. If you're interviewing against an adorable Asian girl, you're basically fucked to hell. No doubt she has a great resume and will make an amazing employee, but the fact is you would kill a man if she tugged on one of her pigtails and asked real nice.

Monday, January 03, 2005

AM Gold on FM

I had it all wrong.
I was busy trying to write a manifesto for 2005: The Year Of Keeping It Gangsta (it's all about embracing cold assholism in order to handle your business, a sad script flip on 2004's attempts at rediscovering naive hippy bliss while awaiting a massive Kerry victory and consequent American Re-Enlightenment) and listening to All Eyez On Me on headphone blast and making fuck-you faces at my computer, but what I should have been doing was driving Jessica's car around listening to 97.1 The Drive. So then I did that. Fuck, dude; you can get so wound up in angry knots that you forget that sometimes the meaning of life is cruising and getting mellow on some crucial Cat Stevens/Doobie Bros./"Little Wing" rock block with a hot chick and a hamster riding shotgun.

Sunday, January 02, 2005

First worst ideas of the new year.

Not only am I almost 28 years old and still living off of buy-one-get-one-free Jewel brand frozen cheese pizzas, and not only have I been suffering the past two days from pizza mouth burn (Surface cheese temperature isn't what you have to look out for; it's the submerged, potentially napalm-y sauce layer you need to worry about), but now I am suffering from secondary pizza mouth burn, a burn on top of an existing burn, which is infinitely painful. Plus I had to wake up this morning at 6am to remove my cat from a pair of plastic grocery bags it had tangled up in digging through the trash to eat frozen pizza grease-soaked paper towels. 6am is a good time to look your paper-towel-eating cat in the eye as you pull garbage off of her and ask her, "Are you like this because I raised you? Why are you like this? What is wrong with me?"
MOSTLY UNRELATED: I have this terrible sinking suspicion that somewhere someone in America has named their band after some aspect of the tsunami disaster. The certainty with which I feel this makes me feel immensely depressed. The fact that I have, in the past, invented two hypothetical bands, The Nightclub Disasters and Porch Collapse, after headline tragedies only makes it worse.

Thank you for 2004, kinda.

New Year's Eve I saw a sludgy and great metal hardcore band play in a kitchen. Then I DJ'd off of someone else's iPod for a sweaty, drunken, bouncing group of Kill Hannah fans and hangers-on, my most successful set yet in terms of audience movement due to Greg's electro-new-wave-filled iPod and the party's love of electro-new-wave styles. Yes, I guess the party was chanting my name, but I can't help but think that I should be doing things to make sure people chant my name more often.
Thanks 2004, I guess. I won't say we had the best time together, but you weren't the worst. You gave me a couple of new friends, a couple bad, Jada's "Why", a drastic haircut, the break in "Slow Hands" and the intro to that one good Phoenix song. The bright white Converse trend. Animal Collective live. Blazing the shit out of some rock band sets. A couple of good drunks, a few bad. A couple of Dick Cheney impressions. I figured out how to drop "Y Control" off of "New Health Rock" and blended that into "We Need A Resolution", which might have been the best thing I did all year. Oh, but then again, 2004, you were kind of a dick sometimes. Honestly, between you and Ohio, I got pretty pissed off. And there was that breakup, the panic attacks, and the fact that you were the third year in a row that I failed to live up to my 2002 New Year's Resolution, which was the deceptively simple, "No more drama in my life." Maybe it would be best if we didn't talk anymore. And no, I'm not going to add you to my Friends List.