With love

As a Christian, I follow Jesus for his teachings of love and tolerance; it is people like you who make me sick, I hope you die in a lake of fire and get your eyes pecked out by crows, so that you may go to hell and exist for eternity in a lake of fire getting your eyes pecked out by crows.

With love,

Charlie

Pastafarianism, home of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and best new religion so far this century, inspires poetic, idiotic hate mail

Contractually guaranteed to be the only person playing DJ Khaled

FRI 07/28/2006 9:00 PM Buy Tickets Online
TICKETS $5 Or FREE WITH R.S.V.P. TO CHICAGOGOESOFF@SOLIDPR.COM
THE SHOW IS THE RAINBOW | mp3
MY WERE THEY | mp3
VOLTAGE
LIGHT POLLUTION

FEATURING:
DJ BIG BLACKHAWK
DJ MILES RAYMER
DJ JOHN DUGAN


I'm playing records at this pre-Pitchfork thang-thang on Friday. Come out. I will play rap music at you. I will play it at you hardcore.
RSVP for guest list.

And make sure you give yourself time to use up the rest of your stash.

The Little White Lie at the Border is a time-honored indie band tour tradition, one that can save you valuable visa-applying time ("We are only traveling through your country between point in our home country and aren't playing any shows here.") and money ("No, we do not have any merchandise for sale; we are only here to record at a studio in your beautiful, freedom-loving land."), but apparently one that is also more likely these days to get you banned from our country for several years.
Are we really working to personally piss off each individual non-American body on the planet, or just to make everyone think we are?

L0u R33d iz teh r0xx0r!!11!!oneone!!

This and several other works of semi-retarded genius are up on fark.com's Recreate your favorite album cover in MS Paint forum.

The best rapper alive

I think the people at Dunkin' Donuts are in on it.

Is there any reason why I've been hearing "Bette Davis Eyes" so much in the past week? Is it some sort of soundtrack-based revival? A virus written by a fantaic Malaysian Kim Carnes fan infecting the computer DJs at Jack FM stations? A vast right-wing conspiracy? Or simply the universe's cosmic machinery grinding out a series of events designed to get me to favorably compare "Bette Davis Eyes" with these dudes? Somebody help me out.

Weirdo wake-up

If your MySpace bulletin board is all "room for rent in Brooklyn" and "hey come see me DJ at some shitty bar" and you're getting bored with that, you might want to sign up to be friends with CSS so you can start your day off with Brazilian ESL insanity like I do. The following was posted under the heading "TORONTO-CURRY-FACE-GOOD-GOOD":

TORONTO
HOW ARE YOU?

Yesterday was like honeymoon for us. You made us very happy.
Let's do it again in a month or so, ok?
Don't forget that night... I mean yesterday.


AND FOR YOU WHO HAVEN'T SEEN US YET.... YOU WILL.

Lalalalala means I-WANT-TO-PUT-CURRY-ALL-OVER-YOUR-FACE-WITH-SUNSCREEN-AND-LICK-IT-LIKE-THERE-IS-NO-TOMORROW-IN-TORONTO-BUT-THERE-IS-WE-WILL-SEE-YOU-IN-OCTOBER!

Paranoid & pretty

Sparks goes in, dumb comes out.

My new favorite Intonation Festival story isn't even about me. It's about my friend Ralph. For the few remaining people in in the world who don't know him, Ralph looks like this:

Kinda shitty photo, I know, but note that he has a kinda freaked-out afro and he is black.

When I saw Ralph in the VIP tent at Intonation, he was doing three of the five main activities he most often engages in: bumming cigarettes, promoting himself, and dressing pretty decent. There was someone with a pro-looking video camera floating around the tent asking I guess anyone with an interesting haircut if they were in one of the bands playing the festival. I was too lazy to try to impersonate one of the 90 Day Men, so I passed. But Ralph is always on his grind, so the camera guy got a long interview about Ralph's band the Jai Alai Savant, which was not actually on the festival bill at all.
The good story, though, happened later when a white girl tweaking on Sparks cornered Ralph in the tent and asked him, "Are you Gnarls Barkley?" Considering the multi-level abso-stupidity and racial WTF-ness of the girl's question, Ralph's sarcastic, "Yeah, I'm Gnarls and Barkley," reply was probably kinder than she deserved, although for the record he does have a pretty tough "sarcastic" voice.
I didn't hear about the story until a couple days later when I ran into him at the bar. "Yeah, fucking Gnarls Barkley," he said. "I mean, I at least kind of understand it when I get 'are you in TV On the Radio?'"

New rule.

The new rule is that you are not allowed to compare any record or band to another record or band "on [some drug]" unless you have done the drug you are referencing. The other day I saw a quote on some singer-songwriter's one-sheet that said he sounded "like Elvis Costello on angel dust." Which is wrong. Elvis Costello on angel dust would sound like Elvis Costello yelling at a wall. Needless to say, this dude in particular did not sound like Elvis Costello yelling at a wall.*
It really is true that you don't have to do drugs to be cool. I know a lot of good people who have only ever like tried weed a couple of times and decided they didn't like being on drugs, and getting busted on drug-frontin is way worse than saying, "Sorry, I was totally straight-edge until I turned 26 and decided to start drinking martinis because they looked fun," or whatever your experience was. People dropping references to someone "tripping on heroin" give me extreme "bags of sand"-style douche chills.

*Another thing: ODB, Sly Stone, and Shaun Ryder are the only people to have ever made a decent recording while smoking cocaine, so unless you're trying to compare an artist to one of these three musicians, do not say they sound like "[somebody] on crack." Crack doesn't make you automatically start rocking out spazzy, artsy music; it just makes you want to smoke more crack.

Kthnx

I feel kinda chumpish recommending something so completely obvious, but I just subscribed to the Fader podcast, and the newest edition has like every song that's wrecked me at any DJ night in the past month or so, specifically Raje Shwari's "Average Bitch" and "Teri Baaton" by Raghav. Jams is right. But seriously, I feel like yesterday's Red Eye where the two biggest features were about airlines losing your luggage and how if you're thinking about marrying someone you should learn stuff about them. Derrrrrrrr.

Bang on.

Dead Prez has the best merch. What you know about signature lines of soap?
Their set last night at Intonation was wall-to-wall bonkers. A half-acapella version of "Walk Like a Warrior," a cover of "Another Brick in the Wall," the weekend's only onstage commentary on white people hip-hop fans (condensed: It's okay, but you have a responsibility to look out for black people if you're gonna ride for free on their culture.), and the hands-down best banter of the whole fest: "I see these vampires sucking my blood. I ain't wit it."
DEAD PREZ IS OFFICIALLY ANTI-VAMPIRE. DEAL WITH IT.

Jesus Freakin'

Hello.
My review of Andrew Beaujon's book about Christian rock in online here.

Typo of the Day

"NAS: Earth hottest it's been in 400 years, humans responsible"
BoingBoing.net

And then he starts a "who's the world's best spokesperson for global warming" beef with Al Gore.

"Aging": America's hottest new trend?

"30 is the new 20."
-New York Times, Dec. 23, 2004

"Thirty is the new forty."
-New Yorker, Jun. 26, 2006

I don't know which of these is correct--or if 30 is the new anything besides 30--but I feel like just to be safe I should probably buy a new beer bong and get someone pregnant before next year.
Optimally I would be able to do both things simultaneously.

When your MySpace "Pending Friend Requests" folder tells you the truth.

"Currently awaiting approval from Stevie Nicks"
I think in a way I've been waiting for Stevie Nicks' approval for most of my life.
Breakthrough.

The fetishized gun violence web portal is open for business.

My friend Josh ran off with my "Bird Flu" post and dug up some goods on the deejay,Sample King, who sings it. He's got an official website, but the real goods are on his Myspace page, and by "goods" I mean "songs that test the very limits of how much MIDI gunfire can one song contain." To bear witness to "Weh Dem Know Bout That," (he is Canadian, so despite himself he pronounces "about" correctly, if accented) on the beat to TI's "What You Know," is to know exactly how many gunfire samples his friend who produced the song has on his keyboard. Two things Sample King might want to consider are that there are websites out there that you can download things like that from--nothing says "scraping the bottom of the MIDI barrel" like an old-timey whistling bomb--and that shouting out "sniper rifles" and other shit from Goldeneye is the "they feel like bags of sand" of violent rap lyrics.
More artfully (and more Nate Dogg-ingly) done is the Kadalack Boyz' "Never Slippin'" (mp3 link), which starts off with a beat built out of gun-cocking sounds and cannon blasts. When you get to hear a rap song that uses some of the same ideas the Flaming Lips were fucking with when they were still good you call that "an awesome day."

I say, "H5," you say, "N1"!

I don't know that I personally would've put the "Dancin' disease I spread it," line in there (a little too real, dudes), but I fully approve of the insane "shrieking eagle" sound, which I think about 5000x more songs should be incorportating. The latest proof that dancehall can take any trend, fad, or potential globally catastrophic pandemic, and make a song out of it: the Bird Flu song
via the Vice blog. Go here to see the dance that goes with it.

Stop looking like you're going to use that baby to make out with me somehow.

Hi. I'm Common. I stole your baby. Does that make you feel...sexy?

Sex on the Beach without Mr. De

Everyone's already bagging on the new Paris Hilton video (it's a music video this time, not more creepy porn), but that's fine. It gives the opportunity to say the first nice thing on the internet about it: To Paris' credit it takes her nearly one-and-a-half minutes to--by all appearances--begin fellating her co-star in public. Look at the 1:29 mark and tell me I'm wrong.

Because I'm not. I've been watching this thing all day.