Thursday, January 06, 2005

The Group Interview and the Inevitable Letdown

I went in to interview for a Retail Position today. Set up in a conference room at a downtown hotel they had set up an SAT-style spread of tables and applications and pens. We filled out our apps and went, four at a time, into Group Interviews. I hate Group Interviews and tend to perform terribly in them. One reason behind my terrible performance is the fact that the Group Interview is bullshit. Bullshit, in fact, is the essential component of them in that you are generally judged in that situation based on your ability to edge out the competition in giving the recruiter the stock overeager-jobseeker answer to any of her questions. "I could be very passionate about your product," "I love doing etc.," etc., etc., which is basically toy, and I just can't get into it. The other handicap in my Group Interview game is my tendency to dedicate energy and attention I should be focusing on the Group Interview to contemplating my co-Group Interviewees with deep, horrified fascination. I should have been concentrating on coming up an interesting, maybe humorous, response to our interview question when I was rubbernecking the glasses-and-goateed IT dept reject after he told the Group he was a dj, trying to figure out what the fuck a dude in crosstrainers and a J Crew button-down spins (I'm thinking soulful house). The real deal-breaker was the fact that I was interviewing against a tiny and cute Asian girl in a sweatshirt with a teddy bear head patch sewn on it. If you're interviewing against an adorable Asian girl, you're basically fucked to hell. No doubt she has a great resume and will make an amazing employee, but the fact is you would kill a man if she tugged on one of her pigtails and asked real nice.

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